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Literature
Twilight Review: Preface + Chapter 01

*Disclaimer: I'm not a professional critic. This is strictly my (clearly biased) opinion and if you like this book; hey, good for you. Don't read this unless you know you can take a punch and laugh about it. Also, I tried not to curse but failed, so... Strong language ahead.*

Alright. I'm doing this. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!? >.<
Sorry, guys, that was just a personal message for the dear, dear, friend who bribed me to do this for her. -.-
I'm not going to do much introduction to this. Everyone is sick of knowing what Twilight is and it's not much of a secret that I hate it with the fire and fury of a thousand suns.
That said, I gave my word that I would be as fair as I possibly can about this book and I meant it. I don't want this review series to turn into a rage induced rant. Because, in all honesty, the first time I read this book I was so angry with it I spent an entire afternoon ranting about it to one friend over IMs and then in person to
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Literature
See You Next Year
“Hey, dad.”
The greeting was less than a whisper cast into the night. The ruffling of the tree branches over the twelve-year-old’s head was almost enough to drown it out completely. Not that being heard mattered in this situation. Gravestones can’t actually listen.
Dwelling on the aftermath of death wasn’t something the Wolfpack encouraged. Their burial grounds wasn’t a place a lot of people visited. It was one of the few places in their camp so silent that even the faintest whisper felt intrusive. It looked, like the name 'graveyard' implied, similar to an overgrown garden of cross-shaped stone flowers; some of them cracked or crooked from the effects of Time’s passing. It was depressing in a cathartic way. It was a place where being depressing was accepted and welcomed. A place that encouraged weakness.
“It’s that time of year again,” she said. A sad smile formed on her lips and she sat on the soft dirt in front of one parti
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Literature
Farewell, My Friend
There was a very obvious reason why Peace chose the Plains to build her home. It was the tranquility in the sight of tall grass swaying to the cool afternoon breeze, in the scent of flowers permeating the air from the seemingly endless fields, and it was something that couldn’t be experienced anywhere else in Valcrest. There was grass in the forest, there were flowers, sure, but it wasn’t the same. Everything there was hidden in shadows, buried within the depths of the land itself. Its beauty was shrouded in mystery, whispered into the hearts of mortals, but often imperceptible to their eyes. The plains were open land, vulnerable to the touch of the elements. The fields basked in the golden rays of the Sun, glowed silver under the influence of Moon’s light, danced with the wind’s cold touch... Even amongst ruins, even in the wake of War’s destruction, the Plains still breathed Life. And the forest... The forest whispered Death. There was beauty in that as
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Literature
Character Profile Template (Shadows Series)

General Information
Full Name:
Nicknames/Aliases:
Age:
Gender:
Sexual Orientation:
Place of Birth:
Affiliation:
Rank/Specialty:
Important Associates:
Known Family:
Main Theme:
Theme Song 02:
Theme Song 03:
Theme Song 04:
Theme Song 05:
Appearance
Body:
Face:
Skin:
Eyes:
Hair:
Scars/Tattoos/Birthmarks:
Reference image:
Equipment
Clothes:
Main Weapon:
Other Weapons:
Personal Items:
Skills and Talents
Enlightenment:
Other Skills:
Personality
General:
Relationships: 
Phobias:
Likes:
Dislikes:
Odd Behaviors and Habits:
Background
Other Info
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Literature
Time Heals
Indrani stood in the middle of the training arena, her figure partially slouched as she held on to her scythe for support. The lower blade of the weapon sank into the soft sand from the woman’s weight. Her bare shoulder pressed into the dull side of the upper blade as she forced herself to stand upright, marking a thin line onto the exposed skin. She closed her eyes and breathed in slowly, letting the warm desert air fill her lungs. It flowed past her lips in a shaky exhale. And it hurt. Everything still hurt. The rest of her clan had grown tired of trying to force their leader into rest, resigning themselves to keep a close watch on her instead. She did a very good job of ignoring their watchful eyes and focusing on nothing other than her breathing.
It was the middle of the afternoon, the sun was burning high and while a soft breeze was starting to lift puffs of sand from the desert ground, it was in itself warm like the air from a furnace. She could feel a thin layer of sweat b
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Literature
Char Sheet Commission: Castor And Pollux
General Information
Full Name: Castor and Pollux
Nicknames/Aliases: The Gemini Warriors
Age: Undetermined
Gender: Female
Sexual Orientation: Undetermined
Place of Birth: Earth
Affiliation: The Dark Kingdom
Rank: Minions
Important Associates: Nephrite, each other
Known Family: N/A
Main Theme: Starset - Unbecoming
Theme Song 02: Get Scared - Cunning Not Convincing
Theme Song 03: Digital Daggers - Bad Intentions
Appearance
Castor and Pollux's original forms are a complete mystery since they spent most of their early lives shape-shifting into other Youma, and later completely reinvented themselves. Their appearance as the Gemini Warriors, however, was highly influenced by human culture; particularly manga pages, and highly resemble wha
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Literature
Silent Night
Luckas' eyes opened and he was greeted by the silver light of a nearly-full moon. He couldn't remember what he'd been dreaming about, but he felt calm; peaceful even, so it mustn't have been bad. For a few moments, he lay still, not moving a muscle, breathing slow and staring blankly at the open skylight on the ceiling. Leaves swirled in the breeze above the roof and occasionally cascaded down over the bed. The moonlight made them look pale; like they were made of white-silvery paper, and Luckas mused that they almost looked prettier than in their usual browns and oranges. His eyes followed one of the leaves traveling through the skylight, swaying in the air as it fell. Luckas finally moved, catching the leaf in the air before it landed on Ess, not wanting anything to disturb her sleep. At least, he was under the impression she was still asleep. Lady had made faking sleep into an art form, and although Luckas could often tell she was faking... Often was far from being always.
Luke exam
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Literature
Shadows Rise Chapter 01 (First Draft)
[City of Blackpond, Lacus 25th, 2 hours until Midnight]

A razor sharp wind swept across Blackpond. It whirled through the torchlit streets and extinguished several flames, causing exasperation on the already strained city guard; now also tasked with rekindling the street lights on top of their usual duties. Kyle Rivers snorted, watching as a guard strolled past one such unlit torch without giving it a sideways glance. If there was ever one constant in the glorious City of War, it was the ineffectiveness of its city guard.
If that guardsman had paid attention; or bothered to relight that torch, he might have found something suspicious in the thirteen-year-old leaning against the outer walls of a closed down bakery. Kyle’s form was partially concealing a half-opened ventilation grate on the side of the building and the boy was nearly dancing in place, trying to fight away the cold air penetrating his thin layers of clothing.
Inside the baker's shop, another thirteen-year-ol
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Literature
A Friendly Conversation
This is an RP excerpt and reads as such


Corrections have been made, but there are likely to still be tons of mistakes

Read description for context
**************

Sam didn’t want to make a habit out of entertaining visitors in person, but this case was different, she wouldn’t pretend otherwise, so she commanded that particular unexpected visitor to be brought straight to her in the library. Ezekiel objected; as it was his usual lately, but Sam ignored him. It wasn’t that she didn’t see the danger in such a decision, rather she believed she hadn’t taken a close enough look at it yet. Crystal Rivers had a reputation that Sam could understand better than almost anyone; a great deal of it originated from name alone and another great deal from escaping Death’s clutches, repeatedly. That wasn’t to say the woman hadn’t earned said reputation, but what exactly she had done to earn it remained un
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Literature
Shadows Rise Cast - Helena Turner (Wolf)
Full Name: Helena Turner
Nicknames/Aliases: Lena, White Rose, Rose
Age: 18/24
Gender: Female
Place of Birth: Rosefeld Village, Valcrest (Birth Date: Cosmos, 27th, 2505)
Appearance: Average height, athletic build, long straight black hair, blue eyes, No distinctive features.
Theme Song: Imagine Dragons - Smoke and Mirrors
Personality: Outwardly, Lena was cold and collected from a very young age. She was also a tad bit arrogant and often times made it a point to show it when she was smarter than some else; especially if the person in question was of a higher rank. This earned her a bit of a reputation and the dislike of several older members of the clan. Despite all of this, Lena could be very warm and laid back towards her friends and family and was generally well-liked by those who actually got to know her.
Enlightenment: Memory Reading
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Literature
Tonight We Dance
This is an RP excerpt and reads as such



Corrections have been made, but there are likely to still be tons of mistakes


Read description for context
**************

Crys was walking around the crowd trying to catch up to Ali, but the moment Ella arrived all attention went into the young Queen. Through outraged and excited murmurs, the assassin discovered that the man in armor Ella had brought was clad in Black, causing tension and in some ways fear to spread through the ballroom. In the commotion that followed the girl’s arrival she lost track of Ali, but noticed Evin amongst the crowd. Before she made a move towards her friend, however, she felt a hand lightly graze her shoulder. She knew who it was before the man spoke, her right hand clenching into a tight fist and then relaxing.
“I’m disappointed. I thought I’d have broken fingers before I had the chance to lift a hand.”
“Trust me Sean, t
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Literature
Shadows Rise Cast: Dani Preston (Wolf)
Full Name: Daniela Preston
Nicknames/Aliases: Dani
Age: 15/20
Gender: Female
Place of Birth: Wolfpack camp, Valcrest Forest (Date of Birth: Inviditas, 15th, 2509)
Appearance: Tall, athletic build, long dark red hair, blue eyes.
Theme Song: Imagine Dragons - Bleeding Out
Personality: Dani was a rebellious child and, despite being a talented fighter; in the Alpha's words, her talent was often overshadowed by her attitude. She had a difficult temper and often didn't think her actions all the way through, but her rebellious nature came ultimately from a place of caring. Dani was deeply devoted to her family, her friends and the clan, to a point where she often questioned whether she would make a fitting leader and sometimes thought herself a disappointment. Those insecu
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Literature
Shadows Rise Cast: Kyle Rivers (Hunter)
Full Name: Kyle Nathan Rivers
Nicknames/Aliases: ‘Boy’ (by Gerald), Rivers (by Gabrielle)
Age: 13/18 
Gender: Male
Place of Birth: City of Blackpond, Valcrest (Birth date: Lacus 25th, 2511)
Appearance: Tall, average weight, average/athletic build, short black hair, dark green eyes. Has a burn scar on the left side of his jaw, gained during his awakening. (he and Bastian are identical twins)
Theme Song: Otherwise - Man on Fire
Personality: Kyle is impulsive, emotionally driven, and a great deal more vocal about his own emotional state than his brother. That one distinction being a cause of strain in the twins’ relationship from the death of their sister, as Kyle often accused Sebastian of not being angry enough during their time with the Hunter
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Literature
Shadows Rise Cast: Sebastian Rivers (Hunter/Wolf)
Full Name: Sebastian Adrian Rivers
Nicknames/Aliases: Boy (by Gerald), Rivers (by Gabrielle) Seb (Kyle and Johanna), Bastian (in the Wolfpack)
Age: 13-18
Gender: Male
Place of Birth: City of Blackpond, Valcrest (Birth date: Lacus 25th, 2511)
Appearance: Tall, average weight, average/athletic build, short black hair, dark green eyes.
Theme Song: Fall Out Boy - Immortals
Personality: Although a bit of a kidder and a show-off, Sebastian is, for the most part, a calm and collected individual, observant of the people around him and often empathetic to their mental and emotional states. His calm and upbeat demeanor can make him come across as uncaring in certain situations, which posed a constant issue between him and Kyle in the years following their sister’s death as S
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Literature
Shadows Rise Cast: Gerald Tucker (Hunter)
Full Name: Gerald Tucker
Nicknames/Aliases: Gerry (Johanna only), Tuck (Gabrielle), Sir (Kyle and Sebastian)
Age: 25/30
Gender: Male
Place of Birth: City of Newhaven, Valcrest (Birth Date: Sagacitas 11th, 2499)
Appearance: Tall, medium/athletic build, tanned skin, dirty blonde short hair, green eyes. Has a small scar across the bridge of his nose and a tattoo of a red Sun on his back, between his shoulder blades.
Theme Song: RED - Fight Inside
Personality: Gerald's demeanor was mostly stoic, calm, collected, and reasonable. He wasn't an outwardly affectionate person but made up for it by looking out for his companions as best as possible. He was made it a point to secure their camp sites and was usually found roaming at night k
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Literature
Shadows Rise Cast: Gabrielle Porter (Hunter)
General Information
Full Name: Gabrielle Porter
Nicknames/Aliases: Gabe (by Johanna), prefers to be addressed as either ‘Gabrielle’ or ‘Porter’.
Age: 29/34 (birthdate: Duellum 19th, 2495)
Gender: Female
Place of Birth: Oakstone Village, Valcrest
Affiliation: Wolf Hunters
Rank/Specialty: Leader
Important Associates: Gerald Tucker, Johanna Hastings, Kyle Rivers, Sebastian Rivers, Theron Lockwood
Known Family: Jack Porter (adoptive father, deceased), Emily Porter (adoptive mother, deceased), Cole Porter (adoptive brother, deceased), Vincent Porter (adoptive brother, deceased), Lucy Porter (adoptive sister, deceased), unnamed biological parents (whereabouts unknown), unspecified number of biological siblings (whereabouts unknown).
Main Theme: Demon Hunter - I Am a Stone
Theme Song 02: 
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Journal
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Purity, or perhaps naivety. A simple, gentle view of a world that is often quite dark. Little to no malice, maybe not even a single negative thought. Does negativity drain innocence, or can some purity never be purged?
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Kael
       Why can’t she hear me?
       It was a question I asked, over and over again, every hour, every day and every week. She walked to and fro in the house, eating in the kitchen, reading in the living room, in her library, in her bed. I joined her as she went on her walk to the mailbox up our lonely road.
       I sat beside her as she read on the couch, occasionally standing to walk around the back and peer over her shoulder to see what she was reading. She read a lot faster than I did for a long time so she would normally turn the page before I was finished. I got used to it. Eventually I learned how to keep up.
       Today she was reading something about two men, but one of them wasn’t very bright and seemed to have this strange attraction to soft things. He tended to get too attached and killed them by accident because it seemed like he couldn’t control himself. I kind of li
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Beast-Slayer
       “You are not ready!”
       “Yes, I am!”
       “No you are not, and I will not have you in my house any longer!” His voice was gravelly, clipped; wrathful. His eyes were wild.
       Alauria drew herself up. She had anticipated stubbornness and was prepared to match his. “Then you’ll have to kill me, because I’m not leaving.”
       With surprising speed for one two scores her senior, the man grabbed a metal bar once used to prod coals in a fire and swung it at her throat, roaring.
       The sharp sound of reverberating iron rang out and the old man’s face turned from rage to shock. Alauria stood calmly, breathing heavily. She had grabbed the empty wooden sword sheath by her side and now held it perpendicular to the bar, protecting her delicate throat. Her gaze switched from the bar to the man&
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Literature
A Summer's Plight on the Eve of Fall
A Summer’s plight on the eve of Fall
with which its breadth can be seen for miles
By the trees and the leaves, setting earth apart from sky.
My, how soft it dims.
The plight of Summer softens slightly. Still,
suchlike the clouds above.
The retreating warmth—once so comforting—leaves.
Left are we the chills by which all things living
retreat into their melancholic catharsis:
A contented hole, starkly black.
My heart sings out to Summer
in a miscarried tune, bitter-sweet.
But the plight of summer carries no more.
And now my heart must beat once more
for the crisp sting of Autumn, calling, so soft
my name.
My veins stiffen.
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Literature
Thank You, My Love
For the hundred times you’ve helped me
A million “thanks” are due,
But how I wish that I could give
A million “thanks” and two.
A million “thanks” and two? No way!
An impossible hill to climb.
Impossible, yes, but I’ll try no doubt.
To concede would be a crime.
One way; I see another “thanks”.
It would fill my life with glee.
The clause, the crux, élan vital.
May you fall in love with me?
And to top it off, a million-two.
Our nuptial committal lament. 
A “thank you” dear for sticking through
Love’s last mortal moment.
But more thanks, still, would you deserve:
A million moments shared.
For those subtle occasions when
You really showed you care.
And now a billion and two times
I wish to say “thank you”!
But alas,
Two million and two will have to do.
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Literature
Prayer for Closure
'Alanna, tonight I have slain a man,
I have shown him no love, nor no remorse,
Alanna, take this man's soul in one hand,
With the other mend my hatred's source,
Finally sever our bond and give me my release,
So that I can remember those I've lost in peace.'
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Camila Sortica (Blackbird)
Artist | Literature
Brazil
26-year-old starving artist, born and raised in Porto Alegre Brasil. Writer of epic fantasy awesomeness. Can't draw to save her life, unfortunately.

*I always return llamas

*You don't have to thank me for stuff.

*If you do, don't take it personally if I don't reply.

*I don't write thank you comments myself, but I always check the profile of people who fav/watch/llama me

*I only favorite or watch art I like

*You can chat me up, I'm awkward, but I'm friendly. ^^;

*You can read a bit about my ongoing projects here:

A Little Something About My Personal Projects...Hey, guys. I realized I never really talked much about my personal projects here on deviant art. My blog is still my main 'place' on the internet and my Wordpress followers know, for the most part, what I'm going on about when I start to randomly ramble about my characters with little to no context; reason why it's so much easier to just do it over there, but... I have been slowly gaining watchers since I started posting my writing here, os I figured it's time I explain who and what I am as a writer.
I have two projects that are very close to my heart and that I hope to see completed in some way shape or form.
First of all, I'm writing a novel. Rather, I'm rewriting a book I wrote when I was sixteen and trying to make it... Not shitty. All previous drafts of this story; and there have been many, were originally in Portuguese and didn't go into any depth on the world around these characters, which is something I'm hoping to fix in this version. It's been a much slower more difficul
About Shadows RiseI haven't properly discussed this prequel thing I'm doing yet and, while I'm taking a small break from working on it, I decide now might be the time to do this.
Go here if you want to know what the Shadows Series is (not necessary, but just saying):

Shadows Rise is a prequel to the Shadows Series; my group's roleplay story. However, it is actually set in an alternate timeline from the RPs. That decision is based on the major changes we decided to make when we go into our rewrite stage. One of those changes will drastically change the course of the story, especially the SOE story arc. I will talk about these changes in the end of this journal preceded by a major spoiler warning.
First and foremost, though... Let me briefly explain what Shadows Rise is about.
The story follows two sides of a conflict between a clan of assassins; the Wolfpack, and a group of expertly trained hunters intent on bringing them down; the Wolf Hunters. The main characters of the story


*I do writing and translation commissions. You can check them out here:

(Being edited)

If you wanna support me but don't need any writing done you can just... Ya know...

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

*whispers* but you don't have to, it's okay. >.>

I discovered stamps are a thing and decided to get some because why not (no, I don't want you to tell me why not, I'm still doing it):

I Am an Archer by Kha00s It's Not a Joke Stamp by Spikytastic Self-Taught Writer by World-Hero21 Writers are Artists too by TheBloodskins DA Stamp - So Many Ideas... by phantompanther

STAMP: Character Research by Sage-Wren STAMP: A Writer's Suffering by Ellamenopea Typing Stamp by In-The-Machine Constructive Criticism :stamp: by kchuu 'Explaining' Stamp by Sonira-Stamps

Normal People Scare Me Stamp by trinitylast Addicted To Music - Stamp by JWiesner wolf stamp by war-armor I Talk to Myself Stamp by Latias-Flyer Minds of Their Own Stamp by Purplefire40

Fantasy is my Reality stamp by purgatori Save a dragon by cafeinomane stamp - don't judge a book... by Daeg-Niht A reminder about Twilight... by ElectrikPinkPirate Jedi Feeling Stamp by AcidaliaAdrasteia

Telekinesis Stamp by Milykins Why I boycotted fandoms. by lostforeveragain Potter forever stamp by TheStamps LOTR - Wander by Jenna-Rose Hiei Stamp 2 by WritingRin

Kurama Stamp 1 by WritingRin Kirara Stamp by KiRAWRa Kagome Fan Stamp by Chibi-Gazimon Dragon Age Origins Stamp by Lizkay RUPPHIRE STAMP ^0^ by SkeletonNekoGems12

:: Peridot :: by flaiKi Bob Lazuli Stamp by TheMoonRaven Lapidot stamps by Tsuenica Pearlmethyst (Pearl x Amethyst) Stamp by misawafujisaki SU Opal stamp by SamThePenetrator
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Shadows Rise is gonna be the death of me...

Worth it. >.>

*Disclaimer: I'm not a professional critic. This is strictly my (clearly biased) opinion and if you like this book; hey, good for you. Don't read this unless you know you can take a punch and laugh about it. Also, I tried not to curse but failed, so... Strong language ahead.*

Alright. I'm doing this. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!? >.<

Sorry, guys, that was just a personal message for the dear, dear, friend who bribed me to do this for her. -.-

I'm not going to do much introduction to this. Everyone is sick of knowing what Twilight is and it's not much of a secret that I hate it with the fire and fury of a thousand suns.

That said, I gave my word that I would be as fair as I possibly can about this book and I meant it. I don't want this review series to turn into a rage induced rant. Because, in all honesty, the first time I read this book I was so angry with it I spent an entire afternoon ranting about it to one friend over IMs and then in person to another friend who was sitting next to me enjoying the spectacle of smoke coming out of my ears. I was so angry that I decided not to read the rest of the series for my own sake and that of everyone around me. That was a good number of years ago., though, and I would like to think I've matured since then and can now go through this without completely losing my shit.

Time will tell, I guess.

It's the first time I do a chapter-by-chapter review so, I'm going to give a very short summary of what happens in the chapter, then break it down by quoting certain 'notable' passages and talking about them, then finally I'll give my final thoughts. Since a requirement for this review is that I find a positive in each chapter, I'll leave that part last. You know, to end on a positive note. Or something. *groans* UghI'malreadyregrettingthis.

Let's begin! -.- 


Preface

The preface of this book is basically a misdirection tactic to make you believe there is actually an interesting climax at the end when in fact there isn't. This is something Stephenie Meyer will perfect over the course of this series, culminating in the infamous "the only interesting thing to ever happen in four books wasn't actually real. Haha, you suckers." ending of Breaking Dawn. Granted, I'm going by the movies in this particular assessment, but I've been told it's not that different. Funny how Twilight is one of the most faithful book adaptations I know and yet... *sigh* Heh. I wonder if my friend is regretting this as much as I am at this point.

Let's start over.

The preface is basically a tease to the end of the book. With Bella being all "This isn't how I thought I'd die" about it. Before I had ever heard of this book series or its movie adaptations I knew for a fact Bella Swan wasn't going to die at the end of Twilight. I mean, authors, we know the protagonist isn't going to die. Don't insult our intelligence with this goddamn trope anymore. It's not a poetic way to start your book, it's not fooling anyone, and until we actually know and care about the character it invokes zero sense of dread. In short; it's fucking pointless and you should spare us, and yourselves, the embarrassment.

It's literally four paragraphs; two of which consist of a single sentence, consisting solely of Bella musing that she's about to die. The only thing noteworthy about it is the fact it's called 'Preface' and not 'Prologue'. Whatever, though, we have bigger issues here.

Let's talk about chapter one.

What Happens

Bella leaves Phoenix, arrives in Forks, hates everything, goes to school, hates everything some more, meets Edward, gets girl boner, he's an ass to her, she cries about it.

End chapter.

Let's Break It Down

I've told a lot of people my main issue with this book is the fact it's narrated in first-person. We're constantly in Bella's head. And Bella... is not a good person. It's not that she's a bad character (although she is also that), but she's just a bad person. If you kill all hope of me liking your main character, sorry, but I already hate your book. In Twilight, this happens extremely fast. The other main problem with this is that, and this is true for a lot of 1st-person POV stories, there's no emotional weight to anything. Because we're not being shown the character's emotions; we're being constantly told how they feel. Not all 1st person stories are like this, but a lot of them are. Twilight included.

For instance, we start with Bella driving to Phoenix airport and then saying goodbye to her mom before boarding the plane to, you guessed it, Forks.
It was to Forks that I now exiled myself— an action that I took with great horror. I detested Forks.

Bella clearly doesn't like Forks. And we know this because she tells us. Just like she tells us she loves Phoenix. And much like she tells us literally every little thing for the next 11-or-so pages.
"Bella," my mom said to me — the last of a thousand times — before I got on the plane. "You don't have to do this."

Then why are you doing it? I'm serious. We're given no specific reason why Bella needs to go to Forks other than her mom found herself a dude and then she herself decided she needed to be out of the picture. Why? See, maybe elaborating on that might give your character some depth, instead of making it seem like she's endlessly bitching about things she imposed on herself for no real tangible reason other than 'plot, I guess'.
My mom looks like me, except with short hair and laugh lines.

*siiiigh*

I remember in the first chapter of Hogwarts Exposed where I said and I quote "Okay, comparisons like this work when the reader immediately knows what the thing you’re comparing to is". And I'm bringing this up because, apparently, this published author with a goddamn Bachelor's degree in English (yes, really) doesn't understand this shit either. I'd expect someone with an actual degree to know better than me when I never graduated college and don't even speak English as a native language! I mean, really? Do I actually have to explain this here?

We don't know what Bella looks like and unless we're told this right now this comparison is pointless. And no, we're not told what Bella looks like for a few pages still. Therefore. Yeah. Utterly pointless. In my gigantic effort to be polite during the course of this review, I'm going to call this beginning 'underwhelming' and leave it at that.

If you're wondering how quickly I've begun disliking Bella. It was probably here;
How could I leave my loving, erratic, harebrained mother to fend for herself? Of course she had Phil now, so the bills would probably get paid, there would be food in the refrigerator, gas in her car, and someone to call when she got lost, but still…
I'd like to imagine Stephenie Meyer wrote this thinking that it sounded really endearing, but here's the thing; Bella makes her mom sound like she's got a case of premature Alzheimer or is just not smart enough to survive if left to her own devices which, is the most condescending shitty thing I've ever seen. You'd have to assume that this woman not only kept herself but also Bella, alive, fed, happy and in good health for the past seventeen years and this self-important twat has absolutely no respect for her. At all.

Never mind gratitude. What is that?

Regardless, she lies a thousand times more about wanting to go to this place she clearly despises, says her goodbyes to her mom, and gets on a plane.

Four hours later we're in... Well, not Forks, Port Angeles, and we're introduced to Bella's dad; Charlie. If I thought Bella had no respect for her mom, forget about poor Charlie.

Earlier in the chapter, we're told that after a certain point Bella refused to go to Forks and demanded Charlie vacationed with her in California instead. Which, being the invested parent he is, he did. I'm assuming by spending money out of his measly small town cop salary.  I'm sorry, but if this was my child I'd tell her to shut her whiny hole, go visit her father, and fucking enjoy it. >.>

But then, Renee is incapable of feeding herself apparently, so, that's probably why Bella always gets her way. I mean, other than the fact she's a Sue, of course.

When Bella disembarks in Port Angeles Charlie's there to pick her up. She's worried about driving with him for an hour because they don't have much to talk about; which, yeah, fine, that's me 99% of the time so I'll give it a pass. I'm also assuming that when you're a child of divorce there's always more awkwardness with one parent than the other. This is also perfectly fine. I'm not going to hate on everything Bella does. See, I'm being good. >.>

So, in the car, Charlie's trying to make conversation, and he mentions the fact he bought Bella a truck. This, here, was the moment I went from 'dislike' to 'hate' with Bella. Mind you, we're two pages into this chapter at this point.
"I found a good car for you, really cheap," he announced when we were strapped in.

"What kind of car?" I was suspicious of the way he said "good car for you" as opposed to just "good car."

"Well, it's a truck actually, a Chevy."

"Where did you find it?"

"Do you remember Billy Black down at La Push?" La Push is the tiny Indian reservation on the coast.

"No."

"He used to go fishing with us during the summer," Charlie prompted.

That would explain why I didn't remember him. I do a good job of blocking painful, unnecessary things from my memory.

"He's in a wheelchair now," Charlie continued when I didn't respond, "so he can't drive anymore, and he offered to sell me his truck cheap."

"What year is it?" I could see from his change of expression that this was the question he was hoping I wouldn't ask.

"Well, Billy's done a lot of work on the engine — it's only a few years old, really."

I hoped he didn't think so little of me as to believe I would give up that easily. "When did he buy it?"

"He bought it in 1984, I think."

"Did he buy it new?"

"Well, no. I think it was new in the early sixties — or late fifties at the earliest," he admitted sheepishly.

"Ch — Dad, I don't really know anything about cars. I wouldn't be able to fix it if anything went wrong, and I couldn't afford a mechanic…"

"Really, Bella, the thing runs great. They don't build them like that anymore."

The thing, I thought to myself… it had possibilities — as a nickname, at the very least.

"How cheap is cheap?" After all, that was the part I couldn't compromise on.

"Well, honey, I kind of already bought it for you. As a homecoming gift." Charlie peeked sideways at me with a hopeful expression.

Wow. Free
Sorry, that excerpt was on the longer side, but let me break down everything that annoyed me with this exchange; Charlie's, again, going out of his way for his kid here, he had agreed to help her find a car and he stepped up more than adequately.

Probably due to the fact I grew up mostly without my dad, I really want to beat the shit out of Bella for calling a fishing trip with her father a 'painful, unnecessary thing'. There are people who would bend space and time to give themselves that kind of memory, you self-entitled bitch.

She doesn't even bat an eye to the mention of Billy Black being in a wheelchair. Not even in an "I don't really care, but I'm gonna ask just to be polite" kind of way. Not even the customary 'Oh, that sucks' awkward people give when they're not sure what to say about something like this. Nothing. She only cares about the car.

"Wow, free." Show some fucking enthusiasm, you stupid teenager. Gawd. =.=

She does thank Charlie for giving her the car to which he says he wants her to be happy which, is really sweet and she appreciates it... Although thinking that being happy in Forks was an impossibility because remember; Forks is hell on Earth. And here's another thing I hate about Bella... Even when good things happen she needs to put a negative spin on it. Like, anything slightly positive is immediately followed by a complaint. And it feels like the author starts writing her like a normal human being at points and then remembers 'wait, this is a teenager' and cranks up the angst factor to make up for it.

Case in point:
It was beautiful, of course; I couldn't deny that. Everything was green: the trees, their trunks covered with moss, their branches hanging with a canopy of it, the ground covered with ferns. Even the air filtered down greenly through the leaves.

It was too green — an alien planet.
It was too green. Seriously. Talk about looking for stuff to bitch about, Bella.

Also, the air filtered down greenly? I, just, I... That is one of the most awkward adverb uses I've read since My Immortal. Also, if the air is actually green... You probably shouldn't breathe that shit in. Pretty sure that's poison gas or something. ^.-

They arrive in Forks, there's a bit of describing the house. Bella is introduced to her car and, surprisingly, she loves it. I'd say she was happy about it, but... Bella Swan is incapable of happiness. I'm not kidding.
"Wow, Dad, I love it! Thanks!" Now my horrific day tomorrow would be just that much less dreadful.
"Thanks for the car, dad! I love it! I might actually just cry myself to sleep instead of actually slashing my wrists tonight!" Spoiler alert: she does literally cry herself to sleep later.

Also, this happens while she's describing the car, which I found... Slightly worrying. I mean... Are you alright in the head, Bella? I mean, you're probably not, this whole book series considered, but... Whoa.
Plus, it was one of those solid iron affairs that never gets damaged — the kind you see at the scene of an accident, paint unscratched, surrounded by the pieces of the foreign car it had destroyed.
She's seeing this car for the first time and is already imagining it amongst a pile of wreckage, fire, and I'm assuming the disembodied scattered limbs of some other driver.

Yeeeaaaaah... o.o

We move on to describe the house some more and Bella's room and... hmph... I said I was going to be civil and I didn't want to nitpick but... Dial-up internet? This... This book was released in 2005. Even my grandpa had better internet at this point.

Also, I don't know who was in charge of editing this book (I literally couldn't find it anywhere), but after reading this sentence...
The room was familiar; it had been belonged to me since I was born.

I'd like to think it was this guy:

2055363800_b7dd36c8d5

But yeah, more description, she complains about having to share a bathroom with Charlie, which, boo hoo bitch. You're an only child. Try sharing a bathroom with four older siblings and then we'll talk. She describes literally everything in the house as 'small' in order to make it sound a lot worse than it is so we'll see she had a point in complaining, but what she describes seems to me like a really nice house. She also says that the best thing about Charlie is his ability to leave her alone to 'look dejectedly out the window at the sheeting rain and let a few tears out'. Yes, it actually says that. 

I feel that if Twilight was trying to be sarcastic about how utterly emo its main character is, it might have been great satire. I mean, this is what teenagers look like to us full grown adults most of the time. Thing is... Teenagers are actually human beings. They act like shallow pieces of shit, but most of them actually aren't. A real person in Bella's situation would have real human emotions about this situation. They might be angry and feeling left out of their mom's new 'family', they might be afraid of not being able to reconnect with their dad. Bella is sitting in this room, that she claims had been belonged to her since she was born, and she describes it like she's seeing it for the first time even though almost nothing has changed. There is no emotional weight conveyed here. She just complains about things being small and having to share a bathroom.
I wasn't in the mood to go on a real crying jag. I would save that for bedtime, when I would have to think about the coming morning.
Are you aware how real human emotions even function, Stephenie Meyer? I don't want to be cruel here; in fact, keep in mind that everything in this review is me being nice, but no one does this. "Oh, I'm gonna save up my tears to have a real good cry later tonight". Bella Swan reads like an alien who came to Earth with only some emo kid's LiveJournal as a reference for normal human behavior. And yes; this is really the nicest way I could find to express my feelings on this character right now. Bella has no real human emotional traits and it is painfully clear that she doesn't read like a real person. No good story can revolve around a non-character like this. *throws hands up*

We're not even in school yet and this is already getting long. I apologize. So let's move on.

Bella looks at herself in the mirror and we finally get a description. Three pages after being told her mom looks like her. We could have been spared the cliche 'looking at herself in the mirror' scene if only she'd describe herself then.
I should be tan, sporty, blond — a volleyball player, or a cheerleader, perhaps — all the things that go with living in the valley of the sun.

As someone who's been described as 'the whitest Brazilian I've ever seen' on repeated occasions, I can attest to the fact that being born in a sunny place will not automatically give you the genetic predisposition to sport a bronzed tan. That has to do with your melanin levels. Because, you know, when you tan, that's your body actually trying to protect you from ultraviolet radiation from the sun by increasing the melanin on your skin. If your melanin levels are too low, you will skip that step of the process entirely and just straight up get a sunburn instead. Which I often do; even though I do tan a little bit, I often get mild sunburns in the summer. Even though I've lived in a sunny place from birth. It's just how the human body works. Five minutes of Google will tell you that.
Instead, I was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red hair, despite the constant sunshine. I had always been slender, but soft somehow, obviously not an athlete; I didn't have the necessary hand-eye coordination to play sports without humiliating myself — and harming both myself and anyone else who stood too close.
I'm glad that Bella is not a redhead. She definitely doesn't have the personality needed to pull it off. And, welp... As the walking disaster that I am... I can also attest to the fact that hand-eye coordination is something that you can develop with practice. I mean, I sometimes can't nap without somehow getting hurt, but I used to play basketball and table tennis in school without killing myself or anyone around me in the process. I could also (occasionally) hit a bullseye with an arrow at a 50-70m distance. And yes, I hurt my entire arm so much learning to shoot a bow. There were not enough bracers to protect me from my own stupidity, but I did get better. By, you know, training. So... Excuses, Bells, excuses.
My skin could be pretty — it was very clear, almost translucent-looking — but it all depended on color. I had no color here
Are you an albino lizard? Because I don't think even an albino person is so white they're actually translucent. God, Stephenie Meyer, learn the actual meaning of words. While someone can have 'clear skin' and translucent is one synonym of 'clear', it is a not a synonym of the same definition of clear. Clear can mean 'unblemished', but it can also mean 'transparent'; translucent. Bella's skin is not fucking transparent unless it's paper thin. In which case she should be put inside a protective bubble lest a breeze blows over and gives her internal bleeding. No joke here. Your skin exists to protect your goddamn insides and if it's so thin you can see through it then it obviously can't do that.

And yes, I'm aware that's an actual term people use for when you can see veins under the skin, but they shouldn't. Especially not in writing where people need to form mental images based on what you tell them. If you say 'translucent skin', I'm thinking this:

cvovdu8veaaoai2
Yes, this is a real frog. Cool, right?

If you missed that description amongst my commentary, here's a picture of Stephenie Meyer, Bella is literally her:

 

3766 
Notice the transparent sk-... oh, wait.

Bella does have a good cry and has trouble sleeping because it's raining. Yeah, I dunno. I actually had to Google this; because hey, I live in Brazil, but it does actually rain in Phoenix sometimes. So, I'd expect she's at least familiar with the concept enough that it shouldn't actually plague her sleep.
Breakfast with Charlie was a quiet event. He wished me good luck at school. I thanked him, knowing his hope was wasted. Good luck tended to avoid me.
Fucking Eeyore would tell this bitch to lighten up and he's a clinically depressed donkey.

Sorry, that was mean and biased and stuff.

I'm trying really hard here, though, so give me a pass. >.>

Before she leaves for school we have her being a bitch to Charlie in narration some more by noticing all the school pictures her kept of her, calling them embarrassing, and thinking she needs to get him to take them down. Because him caring enough to keep all those pictures means less than nothing to her. And then this.
It was impossible, being in this house, not to realize that Charlie had never gotten over my mom. It made me uncomfortable.
So sorry your father's heartache inconveniences you, you self-entitled robot!

I'm sorry. I'M TRYING.

*deep breath*

I'm going to try and sum this up, even though I have so much stuff highlighted in this section that the bright yellow highlight is actually hurting my eyes a little. Bella goes to school in her car. She complains about how the school doesn't look enough like an institution and is upset there aren't metal detectors as if metal detectors are actually a good sign when arriving at a new school. Trust me, where there are metal detectors there's also the need for metal detectors, which means people wanting to smuggle shit past them, Bells. So... You not possibly getting shanked in the locker room; although sad news for me, is actually a good thing. -.-
I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me.
If this is an attempt at foreshadow, please stop. If it's an attempt a clever humor, please stop. Whatever it is you were hoping to accomplish here, Stephenie Meyer, just stop.

She goes to the front desk for information, finds different classes, meets teachers; some of them make her introduce herself, so she hates them. This.
I kept my eyes down on the reading list the teacher had given me. It was fairly basic: Bronte, Shakespeare, Chaucer, Faulkner. I'd already read everything. That was comforting… and boring. I wondered if my mom would send me my folder of old essays, or if she would think that was cheating.
First of all; of course she already read everything. What angsty teen in a romance book wouldn't be obsessed with classic literature? Second, yes that absolutely is cheating. That said, I would much like to read an essay on Wuthering Heights written by Bella Swan. I'm pretty sure she would have some fascinating insights to share. *eye roll*

And since I am criticizing, I'll admit that I only read A Midsummer Night's Dream and Othello from Shakespeare and that I couldn't get too far into Wuthering Heights if my mother's life depended on it (sorry mom) because I was so bored with it, so... Yeah, whatever rocks your boat, Bells. No, I don't even care what the other guys did at this point. I know they're important, but I'm not gonna sit here like a pretentious bitch and pretend I'm versed in English Literature when we didn't take it in school. Which is a shame, because Portuguese Literature is horrible. There are only so many pages-long epic poems about boats a person can handle, you know? But I digress.

At some point, this kid comes by and asks if she's Isabela Swan, and offers to help her find her next class. I don't know if you guys remember me previously stating that I didn't understand why people like Bella so much when she's such a bitch, but... I do now. It's because she doesn't actually act like a bitch, she only inner thinks horrible shitty things about people in the narrative. She's being totally nice to this kid while in narration describing him as 'a gangly boy with skin problems and hair black as an oil slick' (oh, yeah, Bella is incredibly shallow btw) and calling him 'over-helpful' like he's pathetic for trying to be nice.  This also happens:
"You don't look very tan."

"My mother is part albino."

He studied my face apprehensively, and I sighed. It looked like clouds and a sense of humor didn't mix. A few months of this and I'd forget how to use sarcasm.
Bells, here's the thing about sarcastic humor; people understand you're being sarcastic, what they don't know is whether you're trying to be funny or telling them off. And if you clearly don't know the difference; you shouldn't expect them to either. You bitch. Ugh, sorry. I'm trying to be nice. >.>

She does this with almost literally everyone she meets. Even the people she ends up having lunch with; whose names she can barely remember because they mean less than dirt to her. Not kidding.
I forgot all their names as soon as she spoke them.
At lunch, at last, we see the Cullens. And here is Bella's first impression of them:

They're fucking hot as all FUCK.

What, you think I was going to bother quoting her on this? Nah. That's basically it. I mean, she describes their every little move as unnaturally graceful and beautiful and omg I can hear angel choirs just thinking about it. But the gist of it is that: they're hot. especially Edward. That's it.

Now they have this little exchange where this girl starts explaining about the Cullens... They're all adopted, fostered, some of them are dating each other which we all agree is weird, but Bella is ridiculously defensive of these extremely beautiful people she never met in the narrative, like anyone being suspicious of them makes them horrible people.
"They look a little old for foster children."

"They are now, Jasper and Rosalie are both eighteen, but they've been with Mrs. Cullen since they were eight. She's their aunt or something like that."

"That's really kind of nice — for them to take care of all those kids like that, when they're so young and everything."

"I guess so," Jessica admitted reluctantly, and I got the impression that she didn't like the doctor and his wife for some reason. With the glances she was throwing at their adopted children, I would presume the reason was jealousy. 
What other reason could there be after all? They're beautiful so they must be unquestionably good people beyond any reprehension. Do you draw your morals from Disney Princess cartoons, Bella? I mean, come on!
"That's Edward. He's gorgeous, of course, but don't waste your time. He doesn't date. Apparently none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him." She sniffed, a clear case of sour grapes. I wondered when he'd turned her down.
Bitch. Bella is a total bitch. I'm sorry, but I'm calling it for what it is.

Next class; biology, she gets to sit next to Edward and he mostly either ignores her or looks her funny like she smells bad or something. Which, following the above statement she made about Jessica makes me extremely happy. Because fuck you, Bella.

After the class, she meets Mike and... I love Mike. Mike is my favorite character and I'm glad how much of a friendzoning bitch she is to him because honestly; Mike deserves better than Bella Swan. She considers him the 'nicest person she met', which is ridiculous because everyone was extremely nice, she just decided she wasn't going to like them because she's a bitch.

They have Gym together and even though Bella is not asked to participate this time we're still graced by her bitching that she hates Gym. And after that, she goes turn in this little attendance sheet at the main office and finds Edward there trying to get out of having to take biology with her which makes her really devastated. For some reason. Like, she doesn't know this guy and he was an absolute ass to her for no reason.

Oh yeah, he's hot. Pft. I almost forgot.

So yeah, she's upset and she cries on the way home. That's the end of the chapter.

My thoughts

Do I really have to say this? I don't like this book. At all.

It's got some really bad grammar. Like, really bad in some places. The main character is unlikable, it makes pointless comparisons, has flowery language inconsistent with its 17-year-old narrator and I'd really like to know the name of the person who edited this. Not what publisher they worked for but the actual person who had to sit and edit this book for mistakes. Are they alive? Because if this is the final product I can't imagine what it looked like before.

The fact this was published insults me as a person and a writer. Twilight's existence and long-running success spit in the face of all my hard work because I look at it and I don't see half of it here. I mean, Shadows Rise is behind schedule because I'm worried I can't make the second chapter get across what I need it to. I'm worried it's not good enough. I want it to be the absolute best I can make it. And I don't see that kind of concern here.

Bella Swan is the epitome of lazy writing. She's a cardboard cut out with 'insert real character here' written in red marker across the forehead and Stephenie Meyer's solution to this has her self-insert Sue's narrative put down everyone else around her in an effort (and I use that word loosely here) to make herself look even the least bit interesting. As if we wouldn't see right through that. It's pathetic, shameful, and foils any attempt to make her relatable.

There are two options here, looking at the end result: Either the author didn't give a shit about this story; in which case she's irredeemably lazy, or she did and genuinely thought this was good writing; in which case she's stupid. I'm sorry, I don't want to flat out insult Stephenie Meyer, but unlike her audience, she's a grown ass woman who thought this was quality literature. Fucking stupid doesn't begin to cover that.

And remember; I'm being nice.

On the bright side? It's inspirational.

No, I'm not being sarcastic. It really is inspirational. This book sold millions of copies and I know for a fact I couldn't write something this bad if I tried. As in, there are lines in this book I could barely look at without cringing. I would never write a Twilight. And hey, maybe that means I'll never sell millions of books and maybe I'll never make money, but at the same time... My name won't be known for something like this.

It also shows me I'm worrying too much and working myself too hard. I could be lazier and people will either like my stuff or not. I'm not going to say it's arbitrary whether you succeed, but if people just outright like the story, they probably won't mind if it's not as well-written as you think it should be. I'm also not saying I'm not going to put in an effort, but I think I can tone down on the obsessive perfectionism a little and maybe I'll get through my writer's block for good.

So, thanks, Stephenie; your laziness inspired me to become a better person. Your book is shit and I wish it never existed, but thanks for that. :P

Is chapter two going to be better? Welp, it starts really promising.
The next day was better… and worse.
Oh, Bella... You insufferable twat. I sure do love hating you. :)
Twilight Review: Preface + Chapter 01
Ugh this was painful. But surprisingly fun. I honestly didn't expect I'd have this much fun tearing this book apart, I mean, I had decided to never look at it again for my sanity. I've either matured or my sanity is long since gone at this point. Either way; I feel fine. >.>

First (you are here!)

Next (coming soon...ish...)

This was a requested *cough*paidfor *cough* review series. If you'd like to request a review series... That may become possible in the future, I'm working it out. ^^

Feedback on this, as with anything in my gallery, is more than welcome. Any little comment, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem to you, means a lot to me. So don't be afraid to speak your mind. :D (Big Grin)
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Friend: "Are you done reviewing the first chapter of Twilight yet?"

Me: "It's harder than I thought."

Friend: "Oh?"

Me: "I'm trying to be nice and objective. Like I promised."

Friend: "I can hear the sarcasm trying to fight its way out as you type."

Me: "Heh. Well. When you read it, just remember: this is me being nice."

I'm trying so hard, guys. >.>
I literally just shot an arrow through a bandit's knee in Skyrim. It was beautiful. lol

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artisticallystrange Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank You for the 100!!! by artisticallystrange  
I really appreciate the support :D
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NutmegPirate Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2017  Student Digital Artist
Thanks very much for the watch! :D
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CelineDGD Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2017
Hello there awesome person!

In honor of Random Acts of Kindness Week, I chose to compliment random deviants, and you are one of them!

Keep on pursuing your dreams and keep on writing, you are doing so well and you're going to go so far! So long as you try, you are doing your best. You are surely a wonderful person! :)

Lots of love. :iconsupertighthugplz:

Have a wonderful week! :heart:
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Thanks for the Llama :) 
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Thanks for the llama <3
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Thanks for the Llama!
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Many thanks for the 

Brian the Llama by Okavanga

David
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Thanks for the llama!
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Shiro-Yuki-no-Uta Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hi. Just asking if you know of any good/fast ways to make points on DA? If you don't, that's okay too. Sorry if this message was a bother.
Sweating a little... 
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Thank you for the Llama :)
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